Mothers...

So, today is the first day that I am going to look for the woman that gave birth to me. I guess it's a little difficult, i don't really know what to think of it or even how to act. My two cousins were older when everything happened so they have told me what they know about my mother. They told me and my dad has told me that when she left me and my dad she basically started a new family right away. I am really interested in finding my brothers or sisters. I don't know how many i have or anything about them but i want to know who they are.

I go back and forth with deciding whether i want to meet my mother. I have so much anger toward her. I guess i just have a hard time dealing with the fact that she hasn't been a part of my life since i was 3. That was the last time i ever saw her. My cousins told me that when we were younger, i was about 5 and they were about 9 or 10 and they remember my mother calling the cops on my dad and she was trying to get custody of me. I think it's kinda of funny that she wanted custody of me but when everything was said and done she never tried to talk to me. It was more like she was trying to hurt my dad and she didn't care whether she had me or not. She has never bothered to send me birthday cards or anything and I'm pretty sure she knows what day she gave birth to me. I guess her new family was more important then me. She basically abandoned me, even though i still had my dad and he's the most wonderful person in the world. I would never ask for anything else from him, he raised me to be the independent and caring person that i am. He did the best job he could raising me but that still doesn't fill the empty hole that's inside of me.

I guess i just don't understand how she could live with herself knowing that i grew up in this world without a mother and not knowing things about the world and my body that only a woman could teach her daughter. My dad didn't know exactly how to raise a daughter and tell me the things i needed to know. i remember i found out that everyone in my class was wearing training bras already and my dad didn't know anything about that kind of thing. I had to tell him he had to go out and buy me them because i was supposed to wear them. And i don't even want to get started on the first time i got my period. It seems funny now but i had no idea what was happening to me at the time. Its scary going through all those kinds of things yourself and not knowing what to do with my body.

And once again in my life I'm just confused...