never would have thought....

So, I started to see this psychoanalyst, i guess i wanted to try it out because everything else i do seems to never work. I saw him for like 5 sessions and i had to stop due to not having a job or health insurance, i could not afford to see him anymore. But, for those 5 sessions i guess i learned a lot about myself.

For one, i learned that i have a shit ton of anger inside of me. I always knew i was an angry person but he really made me see how angry i am. Angry at everything, at the world, at this country, with my life, at my mother, and at the guy that ruined my life when i was only like 7. I need to face my problems head on and learn to deal with things so i can stop being angry or upset.

I also learned that nothing will ever change the feelings i have for my mother if i don't learn to forgive her. I guess the hardest part is figuring out how i could forgive her for all the things she did to me. I feel to much hatred for her and i can't stop being so mad at her. I guess i just don't understand how a person could leave their child and not want to be there for them. And, not want to help them get through their life and make sure they are doing fine growing up and have a mother their life. It's just so hard for me to forgive the person that has made me feel so unwanted and made me wonder growing up why she doesn't and didn't care about me. I was her child, her responsibility and all she cared about was herself. How could i forgive someone that has that type of mindset and would leave her own child and never speak to them their whole life. How could i forgive her now, after all these years of waiting for her to contact me in some sort of way and just getting more and more angry the more i wait and nothing happens.

If i had a child i would never leave them, i would never put them in the situation that i grew up in. Always wondering what was wrong with me and why my own mother didn't want me. How much it hurt and still hurts every time someone asked/asks where my mother is or who she is or even her name. What was i supposed to tell them? I always lied, told people different stories or just made something up. I was embarrassed to let anyone know the truth. I didn't want to tell people my mother didn't want me and took off and started a new family right away. I didn't want people to wonder why or ask any questions.

All my life, I always wonder who else in my life will reject me and leave too.