So, i basically started this blog so i could right down all the millions of thoughts that run through my head all day long. The only problem I'm having is that i don't know how to express myself right now. I'm lost for words, i know in my head what I'm thinking but like usually it doesn't come out on paper the same way i envisioned it.
A lot lately I've been feeling so restless and anxious, i don't know why. The only thing that I've been getting frustrated with, is that i can't seem to find a job that i want and that will hire me.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Mothers...
So, today is the first day that I am going to look for the woman that gave birth to me. I guess it's a little difficult, i don't really know what to think of it or even how to act. My two cousins were older when everything happened so they have told me what they know about my mother. They told me and my dad has told me that when she left me and my dad she basically started a new family right away. I am really interested in finding my brothers or sisters. I don't know how many i have or anything about them but i want to know who they are.
I go back and forth with deciding whether i want to meet my mother. I have so much anger toward her. I guess i just have a hard time dealing with the fact that she hasn't been a part of my life since i was 3. That was the last time i ever saw her. My cousins told me that when we were younger, i was about 5 and they were about 9 or 10 and they remember my mother calling the cops on my dad and she was trying to get custody of me. I think it's kinda of funny that she wanted custody of me but when everything was said and done she never tried to talk to me. It was more like she was trying to hurt my dad and she didn't care whether she had me or not. She has never bothered to send me birthday cards or anything and I'm pretty sure she knows what day she gave birth to me. I guess her new family was more important then me. She basically abandoned me, even though i still had my dad and he's the most wonderful person in the world. I would never ask for anything else from him, he raised me to be the independent and caring person that i am. He did the best job he could raising me but that still doesn't fill the empty hole that's inside of me.
I guess i just don't understand how she could live with herself knowing that i grew up in this world without a mother and not knowing things about the world and my body that only a woman could teach her daughter. My dad didn't know exactly how to raise a daughter and tell me the things i needed to know. i remember i found out that everyone in my class was wearing training bras already and my dad didn't know anything about that kind of thing. I had to tell him he had to go out and buy me them because i was supposed to wear them. And i don't even want to get started on the first time i got my period. It seems funny now but i had no idea what was happening to me at the time. Its scary going through all those kinds of things yourself and not knowing what to do with my body.
And once again in my life I'm just confused...
I go back and forth with deciding whether i want to meet my mother. I have so much anger toward her. I guess i just have a hard time dealing with the fact that she hasn't been a part of my life since i was 3. That was the last time i ever saw her. My cousins told me that when we were younger, i was about 5 and they were about 9 or 10 and they remember my mother calling the cops on my dad and she was trying to get custody of me. I think it's kinda of funny that she wanted custody of me but when everything was said and done she never tried to talk to me. It was more like she was trying to hurt my dad and she didn't care whether she had me or not. She has never bothered to send me birthday cards or anything and I'm pretty sure she knows what day she gave birth to me. I guess her new family was more important then me. She basically abandoned me, even though i still had my dad and he's the most wonderful person in the world. I would never ask for anything else from him, he raised me to be the independent and caring person that i am. He did the best job he could raising me but that still doesn't fill the empty hole that's inside of me.
I guess i just don't understand how she could live with herself knowing that i grew up in this world without a mother and not knowing things about the world and my body that only a woman could teach her daughter. My dad didn't know exactly how to raise a daughter and tell me the things i needed to know. i remember i found out that everyone in my class was wearing training bras already and my dad didn't know anything about that kind of thing. I had to tell him he had to go out and buy me them because i was supposed to wear them. And i don't even want to get started on the first time i got my period. It seems funny now but i had no idea what was happening to me at the time. Its scary going through all those kinds of things yourself and not knowing what to do with my body.
And once again in my life I'm just confused...
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
My insane thoughts for today....
So today I've been freaking out. I'm having one of my "episodes" as i call it, today. Where I'm feeling down, lazy, my anxiety is high, i feel so restless and there are so many things going on in my life that i don't want to deal with. Dealing with depression and anxiety is enough already, and then adding things on to it just makes my whole world crumble down into little tiny pieces that i wish i could stomp on and make them disappear. My family always jokes about how there is a black cloud on top of my family and every day that i live it makes me think the cloud just gets bigger and darker. Once one thing goes wrong then everything else just comes tumbling down along with it and everything just slaps you in the face at the same time. And lately no matter what i do or don't do i still have that feeling inside my stomach that makes me almost feel sick and then the pains in my chest start and then my whole body goes crazy because i can't control my thoughts and no matter how hard i try and think about something else my mind will automatically go back to freaking out and then i explode.
I guess i just have a hard time controlling my anxiety. No matter what i do it creeps up behind me and finds my nerves and attacks. My thoughts just go around in circles in my head and it makes me feel so scared and i have so many other feelings that i can't even begin to describe.
They just take over my body and control me.
I guess i just have a hard time controlling my anxiety. No matter what i do it creeps up behind me and finds my nerves and attacks. My thoughts just go around in circles in my head and it makes me feel so scared and i have so many other feelings that i can't even begin to describe.
They just take over my body and control me.
Monday, February 18, 2008
This absurd world we live in...
So, we all live in this crazy world and their are not that many people out there that even care about making this world a better place. For one... there are so many people in this world that have so much money and they don't do anything. People that have the money and the resources to help people and help the bad situations in this world and they look the other way. People like me, who wish they had the money and resources to help people are stuck. There is only so much i can do to help people, I myself am going through so much in my life that it's hard for me to do anything at all. I wish i had the money to start some organization to help the people that need it because it needs to be done and no one is doing anything to make peoples lives better. It just seems like this country is trying so hard to make other countries better when we need to look at ourselves first and deal with that.
For one, all the military people that come home from fighting in the middle east and they come back to the United States and they get thrown on the streets. Someone who fought for our country and that almost died gets nothing we treat them like they are some piece of shit that doesn't deserve a place to sleep or something to eat everyday. What kind of place is the United States coming too?
I just wish there was something more i could do. I mean i think i feel so passionately about the military personnel because my dad was in the military and the way he was treated makes me so made. They basically did nothing for him after they MADE him retire because he refused to do something that could have killed him and he's the only family i have. He told them he would still do what they wanted him to do but he would not participate in the thing which i can't really get into that would kill him. He was an only parent. My dad is the only thing i have in this world and I'm the only thing he has. How could they do that to him when he gave them 22 years of his life and did everything and anything else they asked for. He loved his job and he did a damn good job of it and then they just threw him away like he was nothing.
This whole world makes me so angry and i hate that everyone just expects someone else to fix the problems. This country is supposed to be the "BEST" country and especially since the last 8 years happened to us, this county got worse. No one thinks about anyone else in this world, EVERYONE is so selfish.
For one, all the military people that come home from fighting in the middle east and they come back to the United States and they get thrown on the streets. Someone who fought for our country and that almost died gets nothing we treat them like they are some piece of shit that doesn't deserve a place to sleep or something to eat everyday. What kind of place is the United States coming too?
I just wish there was something more i could do. I mean i think i feel so passionately about the military personnel because my dad was in the military and the way he was treated makes me so made. They basically did nothing for him after they MADE him retire because he refused to do something that could have killed him and he's the only family i have. He told them he would still do what they wanted him to do but he would not participate in the thing which i can't really get into that would kill him. He was an only parent. My dad is the only thing i have in this world and I'm the only thing he has. How could they do that to him when he gave them 22 years of his life and did everything and anything else they asked for. He loved his job and he did a damn good job of it and then they just threw him away like he was nothing.
This whole world makes me so angry and i hate that everyone just expects someone else to fix the problems. This country is supposed to be the "BEST" country and especially since the last 8 years happened to us, this county got worse. No one thinks about anyone else in this world, EVERYONE is so selfish.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
